Post by Mahnarch on Aug 30, 2007 5:05:31 GMT -5
Disclaimer: All content and material released in this medium is copywrite of the author(s) and governed by Federal Copywrite Law, herein.
No person(s) shall copy, use or distribute material without express written consent from the owner and/or publisher.
Sorry about the disclaimer, but when you're a pro you have to state things in print from the beginning for your own protection.
All posts here are timestamped and documented. So in the event of plagerism, all claims can be settled here in legally binding fashion.
Ok. On with it:
***
Hey, guys.
I'm working on a 'spec' screenplay, and I'm still debating on an opening scene.
Here's the premise of the entire movie.
'Bounty Runner' - Comedy/Action/Police Drama
A former alcoholic, now small time bounty hunter, Jonnie, and his partner, Ben, are on the trail of a hitman working for white collar businessmen.
When Jonnie's new love interest (and Ben's new nemesis), a beautiful newpaper reporter following the case, gets caught up in the mess, Jonnie's hung out to dry.
When Ben splits from the partnership after a heated dispute, Jonnie's life comes crashing down on him and he turns to the bottle.
Can Jonnie get the bad guy, get the girl and get his best friend back before the demons from his old life swallow him again?
(I know. It sounds dark, but set it in a 'Princess Bride' light.)
These are drafts that still need polishing, but I want to know which one to spend actual time on.
[Note: This forum won't allow for proper formatting. It looked good while entering it, but my tab settings were removed after submitting it. Dialogue should be obvious.] (Extra Note: Apparantly, my 'R' rated dialogue has been *censored*, also.)
Tell me your opinion on the better opening.
-----
I have two main openings for this.
fade in.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - DAY
A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE mingle in an open room.
Folding chairs fill the center and POSTERS of wrecked
vehicles adorn the walls.
It's an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
At the head of the chairs is a DESK.
JUDY, 50, friendly church lady, sits behind it.
A man, JONNIE, 28, slick-haired street hustler, enters
the doorway, unnoticed, and takes a seat.
Judy stands, calling everyone to attention.
Judy
Ok, everyone. Take a seat. We're
about ready to start.
Jonnie casually scans the crowd as they settle in and quiet
down.
Jonnie
(to neighbor)
Hey. How you doin?
At the head of the class sits MUSTACHE, 35, thin man with a thick
mustache, his gaze fixed on Judy.
Judy's helpers, a YOUNG WOMAN, a BLOND MAN, and a BRUNETTE MAN,
all 20, wearing uniform shirts enter single file carrying poster
boards into the room.
The Young Woman flashes a smile to the Blond behind her.
The Brunette turns and looks back at her.
She half smiles.
He faces away and the Young Woman rolls her eyes.
The blond smirks.
A POSTER on the wall reads: 'DRUNK DRIVING KILLS'.
A wrecked CORVETTE and a totaled SEMI are shown in a split shot.
Judy
Hello, everyone. For those who
are here for the first time,
my name is Judy, the councilor
for this group.
Judy flips open a folder on her desk.
Judy
(cont'd)
This is a special week, as it's
Derek's last time with
us.
DEREK, 35, sitting next to Jonnie, rises slightly and
sits back down as everyone claps.
Derek
It's been a long 36 weeks.
Everyone chuckles.
Judy
Come on, now. It wasn't that bad.
(notices Jonnie)
It looks like we've got a
new face next to you, there.
Would you please rise, sir, and tell
us who you are?
Jonnie stands and looks around at the people.
Jonnie
I'm Jonnie--
Group
(in unison)
Hi, Jonnie.
Jonnie
Hi.
Jonnie sits.
Judy
Jonnie. Could you tell us a little
about yourself?
Jonnie stands back up.
Jonnie
Well. I'm 28. Been a Michigan resident
all my life and I think this entire set-
up is a big joke.
The crowd gasps and focus' on him.
Judy
Sir! What are you talking?
I assure you--
Jonnie points at Judy's helpers.
Jonnie
Well, first off, this one
is screwing that one, and the
other one is suspicious, but
doesn't want to say anything...
The Young Woman drops her poster and breaks down crying as the
Brunette turns to face the two.
Brunette
What the--
Young Woman
(to her boyfriend)
I'm sorry. I...
The Young Woman runs out of the room.
The Brunette chases the Blond out of the room.
Jonnie points at the poster of the wrecked cars.
Jonnie
You've got pictures of an eighteen
hundred pound, fiberglass car totaling
a twelve thousand pound rig.
That defies physics, right there.
Jonnie points to Derek.
Jonnie
(cont'd)
And your prize pig here smells like a
fifth of hooch.
Derek timidly sinks into his chair.
Jonnie
(cont'd)
You charged me $35 dollars to get in
the door and all you have is fifty
cent cookies and watered down kool-
aid for snacks. You need me to go on?
Judy approaches the corner of the group.
Derek
Who are you?
Jonnie flashes his badge.
Jonnie
Jonnie Ashby. Bounty hunter.
Mustache jumps from his chair.
Mustache
crap!
He runs out the exit.
Jonnie shuffles down the row of people and runs past Judy, stop-
ping at the door.
Jonnie
Rapist. Preys on church women.
Jonnie exits.
INT. CHURCH HALLWAYS - CONTINUOUS
Mustache darts around several corners.
Jonnie gives chase but loses ground.
Mustache heads for the propped open door leading outside.
He passes the threshold.
Suddenly...
Ben
(as Ed McMahon)
Hii-ohh!
BEN, 27, stocky man holding onto his teen years, jumps from behind
the corner of the building and clotheslines the running man, sending
him to the ground.
Ben quickly turns the guy over and handcuffs him.
Ben
Hello. I'm Ben and I'll be your ar-
resting officer today. If there's
anything you need, don't hesitate to
scream.
Jonnie runs through the doorway, skidding to a stop.
Jonnie
(breathless)
Good. You got him.
Ben
Took you long enough. I was about
ready to go to lunch.
Ben pulls Mustache off the ground.
They walk across the parking lot.
Jonnie
Yeah. Sorry. It took me forever
to figure if he was really him, or
if he was someone else pretending
to be him.
Ben
What was the tie-breaker?
Jonnie
He ran.
[It goes on for longer, but I'll cut here]
******
Alternate:
fade in.
A group of PEOPLE sit in folding chairs in the middle of an open room.
At the front of the room stands a makeshift kitchen with several POTS and PANS handing on the rear wall.
BEN VANOSS, 30, stocky, high energy salesman wearing an apron and chef's hat, stands behind the island range.
Ben
Today I'm going to show you a
revolutionary new set of cooking
utensils like you've never seen
before.
Ben holds up a non-stick, KEVLAR lined pan and scraps the bottom with a knife.
Ben
See this non-stick lining? Aren't
you sick of either picking the
little black specks out of your food,
or being forced to eat them?
The crowd nods in agreement as they look at each other.
Ben lifts a pot from the wall and sets it on the makeshift counter with a loud thud.
Ben
Well, our pans, as you can see, are
stainless surgical steel, which is
already non-stick, so there's nothing
that can come off and onto your food.
I'll show you.
Ben throws chicken strips into the pot.
JONNIE ASHBY, 31, slick haired businessman sitting in an aisle seat, stands.
Jonnie
Excuse me, but that pot sounded pretty
heavy? Why is that?
Ben grabs another POT from the rear wall and lobs it onto the counter.
Ben
Very good ears. Our pots and pans are
very thick in order to maintain even
cooking temperatures throughout.
Jonnie
With all that lobbing, aren't you afraid
of scratching the pots up?
Ben
No!
Ben puts the pan full of food on the stove.
Ben
O.K. Let's get this cooking.
MUSTACHE, 35, thin man with a thick mustache in the front row next to a LADY IN GREEN, raises his hand.
Mustache
When do we get our free vacations
you promised us?
Ben
You just wait. When you taste this
you'll think you're on vacation al-
ready.
The crowd chuckles.
Ben
(cont'd)
But, seriously, folks. The vacation
packages come after the presentation.
Ben starts stirring the food while singing like the Swedish Chef from The Muppets.
Jonnie chides Ben from his seat.
Jonnie
(in mock swedish)
Der chi de unda una chickie gurnie?
SUBTITLE: IS HE THE ONE NEXT TO THE LADY IN GREEN?
The crowd giggles, unaware, as Ben replies without missing a beat.
Ben
Shurdie purdie, oondie chickie.
SUBTITLE: YES, I'M SURE OF IT.
Jonnie stands.
Jonnie
But, seriously. How do your pans
stand up against T-Fal?
Ben stops stirring.
Ben
Sir, you definitely know your cook-
ware. Are you a certified chef?
Jonnie flashes a badge to the crowd.
Jonnie
Nope. Bounty hunter.
Mustache
crap!
Mustache leaps from his chair and heads for the door.
Jonnie races toward the front of the room. The crowd goes into an uproar. Ben picks up the EMPTY POT and hurls it at Mustache, hitting him in the head and knocking him to the ground. The crowd stands watching as Jonnie pins and cuffs Mustache. Ben picks up the pot.
Ben
(to Jonnie)
You got him?
Jonnie
Yeah, I'm good.
Ben walks to the counter. An ELDERLY LADY, 85, small and frail with thick glasses, is picking food out of the pot on the stove and tastes it.
Ben
(addressing the seated crowd)
No need to panic, ladies and gentlemen.
You've all just been a part of a sting
to catch a wanted felon.
The elderly lady leans into Ben.
Elderly Lady
This is really good. Where do I
sign up for a set of these?
Ben
I'm sorry, ma'am. The show was just
a ruse to catch a criminal. We aren't really selling them.
The woman attacks Ben with her purse. Ben blocks his face with the pot in his hand.
Elderly lady
You mean you made me waste an
entire afternoon away for nothing?
The woman continues swinging.
Ben
But, aren't you happy we got a
criminal off the street?
Elderly lady
You also showed me great product
and I want it.
Ben hands her his pot.
Ben
Here. Take it.
The elderly lady puts the pot under her arm and walks away.
Elderly lady
That's more like it.
No person(s) shall copy, use or distribute material without express written consent from the owner and/or publisher.
Sorry about the disclaimer, but when you're a pro you have to state things in print from the beginning for your own protection.
All posts here are timestamped and documented. So in the event of plagerism, all claims can be settled here in legally binding fashion.
Ok. On with it:
***
Hey, guys.
I'm working on a 'spec' screenplay, and I'm still debating on an opening scene.
Here's the premise of the entire movie.
'Bounty Runner' - Comedy/Action/Police Drama
A former alcoholic, now small time bounty hunter, Jonnie, and his partner, Ben, are on the trail of a hitman working for white collar businessmen.
When Jonnie's new love interest (and Ben's new nemesis), a beautiful newpaper reporter following the case, gets caught up in the mess, Jonnie's hung out to dry.
When Ben splits from the partnership after a heated dispute, Jonnie's life comes crashing down on him and he turns to the bottle.
Can Jonnie get the bad guy, get the girl and get his best friend back before the demons from his old life swallow him again?
(I know. It sounds dark, but set it in a 'Princess Bride' light.)
These are drafts that still need polishing, but I want to know which one to spend actual time on.
[Note: This forum won't allow for proper formatting. It looked good while entering it, but my tab settings were removed after submitting it. Dialogue should be obvious.] (Extra Note: Apparantly, my 'R' rated dialogue has been *censored*, also.)
Tell me your opinion on the better opening.
-----
I have two main openings for this.
fade in.
INT. CHURCH BASEMENT - DAY
A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE mingle in an open room.
Folding chairs fill the center and POSTERS of wrecked
vehicles adorn the walls.
It's an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
At the head of the chairs is a DESK.
JUDY, 50, friendly church lady, sits behind it.
A man, JONNIE, 28, slick-haired street hustler, enters
the doorway, unnoticed, and takes a seat.
Judy stands, calling everyone to attention.
Judy
Ok, everyone. Take a seat. We're
about ready to start.
Jonnie casually scans the crowd as they settle in and quiet
down.
Jonnie
(to neighbor)
Hey. How you doin?
At the head of the class sits MUSTACHE, 35, thin man with a thick
mustache, his gaze fixed on Judy.
Judy's helpers, a YOUNG WOMAN, a BLOND MAN, and a BRUNETTE MAN,
all 20, wearing uniform shirts enter single file carrying poster
boards into the room.
The Young Woman flashes a smile to the Blond behind her.
The Brunette turns and looks back at her.
She half smiles.
He faces away and the Young Woman rolls her eyes.
The blond smirks.
A POSTER on the wall reads: 'DRUNK DRIVING KILLS'.
A wrecked CORVETTE and a totaled SEMI are shown in a split shot.
Judy
Hello, everyone. For those who
are here for the first time,
my name is Judy, the councilor
for this group.
Judy flips open a folder on her desk.
Judy
(cont'd)
This is a special week, as it's
Derek's last time with
us.
DEREK, 35, sitting next to Jonnie, rises slightly and
sits back down as everyone claps.
Derek
It's been a long 36 weeks.
Everyone chuckles.
Judy
Come on, now. It wasn't that bad.
(notices Jonnie)
It looks like we've got a
new face next to you, there.
Would you please rise, sir, and tell
us who you are?
Jonnie stands and looks around at the people.
Jonnie
I'm Jonnie--
Group
(in unison)
Hi, Jonnie.
Jonnie
Hi.
Jonnie sits.
Judy
Jonnie. Could you tell us a little
about yourself?
Jonnie stands back up.
Jonnie
Well. I'm 28. Been a Michigan resident
all my life and I think this entire set-
up is a big joke.
The crowd gasps and focus' on him.
Judy
Sir! What are you talking?
I assure you--
Jonnie points at Judy's helpers.
Jonnie
Well, first off, this one
is screwing that one, and the
other one is suspicious, but
doesn't want to say anything...
The Young Woman drops her poster and breaks down crying as the
Brunette turns to face the two.
Brunette
What the--
Young Woman
(to her boyfriend)
I'm sorry. I...
The Young Woman runs out of the room.
The Brunette chases the Blond out of the room.
Jonnie points at the poster of the wrecked cars.
Jonnie
You've got pictures of an eighteen
hundred pound, fiberglass car totaling
a twelve thousand pound rig.
That defies physics, right there.
Jonnie points to Derek.
Jonnie
(cont'd)
And your prize pig here smells like a
fifth of hooch.
Derek timidly sinks into his chair.
Jonnie
(cont'd)
You charged me $35 dollars to get in
the door and all you have is fifty
cent cookies and watered down kool-
aid for snacks. You need me to go on?
Judy approaches the corner of the group.
Derek
Who are you?
Jonnie flashes his badge.
Jonnie
Jonnie Ashby. Bounty hunter.
Mustache jumps from his chair.
Mustache
crap!
He runs out the exit.
Jonnie shuffles down the row of people and runs past Judy, stop-
ping at the door.
Jonnie
Rapist. Preys on church women.
Jonnie exits.
INT. CHURCH HALLWAYS - CONTINUOUS
Mustache darts around several corners.
Jonnie gives chase but loses ground.
Mustache heads for the propped open door leading outside.
He passes the threshold.
Suddenly...
Ben
(as Ed McMahon)
Hii-ohh!
BEN, 27, stocky man holding onto his teen years, jumps from behind
the corner of the building and clotheslines the running man, sending
him to the ground.
Ben quickly turns the guy over and handcuffs him.
Ben
Hello. I'm Ben and I'll be your ar-
resting officer today. If there's
anything you need, don't hesitate to
scream.
Jonnie runs through the doorway, skidding to a stop.
Jonnie
(breathless)
Good. You got him.
Ben
Took you long enough. I was about
ready to go to lunch.
Ben pulls Mustache off the ground.
They walk across the parking lot.
Jonnie
Yeah. Sorry. It took me forever
to figure if he was really him, or
if he was someone else pretending
to be him.
Ben
What was the tie-breaker?
Jonnie
He ran.
[It goes on for longer, but I'll cut here]
******
Alternate:
fade in.
A group of PEOPLE sit in folding chairs in the middle of an open room.
At the front of the room stands a makeshift kitchen with several POTS and PANS handing on the rear wall.
BEN VANOSS, 30, stocky, high energy salesman wearing an apron and chef's hat, stands behind the island range.
Ben
Today I'm going to show you a
revolutionary new set of cooking
utensils like you've never seen
before.
Ben holds up a non-stick, KEVLAR lined pan and scraps the bottom with a knife.
Ben
See this non-stick lining? Aren't
you sick of either picking the
little black specks out of your food,
or being forced to eat them?
The crowd nods in agreement as they look at each other.
Ben lifts a pot from the wall and sets it on the makeshift counter with a loud thud.
Ben
Well, our pans, as you can see, are
stainless surgical steel, which is
already non-stick, so there's nothing
that can come off and onto your food.
I'll show you.
Ben throws chicken strips into the pot.
JONNIE ASHBY, 31, slick haired businessman sitting in an aisle seat, stands.
Jonnie
Excuse me, but that pot sounded pretty
heavy? Why is that?
Ben grabs another POT from the rear wall and lobs it onto the counter.
Ben
Very good ears. Our pots and pans are
very thick in order to maintain even
cooking temperatures throughout.
Jonnie
With all that lobbing, aren't you afraid
of scratching the pots up?
Ben
No!
Ben puts the pan full of food on the stove.
Ben
O.K. Let's get this cooking.
MUSTACHE, 35, thin man with a thick mustache in the front row next to a LADY IN GREEN, raises his hand.
Mustache
When do we get our free vacations
you promised us?
Ben
You just wait. When you taste this
you'll think you're on vacation al-
ready.
The crowd chuckles.
Ben
(cont'd)
But, seriously, folks. The vacation
packages come after the presentation.
Ben starts stirring the food while singing like the Swedish Chef from The Muppets.
Jonnie chides Ben from his seat.
Jonnie
(in mock swedish)
Der chi de unda una chickie gurnie?
SUBTITLE: IS HE THE ONE NEXT TO THE LADY IN GREEN?
The crowd giggles, unaware, as Ben replies without missing a beat.
Ben
Shurdie purdie, oondie chickie.
SUBTITLE: YES, I'M SURE OF IT.
Jonnie stands.
Jonnie
But, seriously. How do your pans
stand up against T-Fal?
Ben stops stirring.
Ben
Sir, you definitely know your cook-
ware. Are you a certified chef?
Jonnie flashes a badge to the crowd.
Jonnie
Nope. Bounty hunter.
Mustache
crap!
Mustache leaps from his chair and heads for the door.
Jonnie races toward the front of the room. The crowd goes into an uproar. Ben picks up the EMPTY POT and hurls it at Mustache, hitting him in the head and knocking him to the ground. The crowd stands watching as Jonnie pins and cuffs Mustache. Ben picks up the pot.
Ben
(to Jonnie)
You got him?
Jonnie
Yeah, I'm good.
Ben walks to the counter. An ELDERLY LADY, 85, small and frail with thick glasses, is picking food out of the pot on the stove and tastes it.
Ben
(addressing the seated crowd)
No need to panic, ladies and gentlemen.
You've all just been a part of a sting
to catch a wanted felon.
The elderly lady leans into Ben.
Elderly Lady
This is really good. Where do I
sign up for a set of these?
Ben
I'm sorry, ma'am. The show was just
a ruse to catch a criminal. We aren't really selling them.
The woman attacks Ben with her purse. Ben blocks his face with the pot in his hand.
Elderly lady
You mean you made me waste an
entire afternoon away for nothing?
The woman continues swinging.
Ben
But, aren't you happy we got a
criminal off the street?
Elderly lady
You also showed me great product
and I want it.
Ben hands her his pot.
Ben
Here. Take it.
The elderly lady puts the pot under her arm and walks away.
Elderly lady
That's more like it.
