some clean and funny ones

[aido179]

I went to see a friend with her new baby last night, she asked me if
I wanted to wind it.
I thought that was a bit harsh, so I just gave it a Dead-Leg
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Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
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Man goes to the docs, with a strawberry growing out of his head.

Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
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'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.'
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
'No, because he's really heavy'
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'Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's.'
'Well you can't say fairer than that then'
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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!
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So I went to the dentist.
He said 'Say Aaah.'
I said 'Why?'
He said 'My dog's died.'
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So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said
'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said 'You are.'
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So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?'
He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'
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So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.'
He said 'I'm not stopping you.'
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up,
and he said 'You've been promoted.'
And I swerved.
And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again.'
And I swerved again.
He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'
And I went into a tree.
And a policeman came up and said
'What happened to you?'
And I said 'I careered off the road.'
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Now, most dentists' chairs go up and down, don't they?
The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me, 'Mr.
Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'
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So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you
give me a lift?'
I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
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Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other
'Does this taste funny to you?'
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Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
and the other was eating fireworks.
They charged one and let the other one off.
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You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen; it said 'Parking Fine.'
So that was nice.
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A man walked into the doctors,
The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'
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A man walked into the doctors, he said 'I've hurt my arm in several
places'
The doctor said, 'well don't go to those places'
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I had a ploughman's lunch the other day.
He wasn't very happy.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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I bought some HP sauce the other day.
It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.
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Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one
of them would have seen it.
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Phone answering machine message -
'...If you want to buy marijuana.............press the hash key...'
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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, 'No, the steaks are too high.'
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
A strong currant pulled him in.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.
They lit a fire in the craft. It sank, proving once and for all that
you can't have your kayak and heat it.
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Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands.
Police say that he topped himself.
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Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.'
The other one says 'So are you, you fat knacker!'
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Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far
and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

[tractakid]

Lol. Where did you copy and paste this from?

[aido179]

an email I got from my dad! lol ctrl+c and ctrl+v ftw!

[Phil]

Heh.
I went to the doctor for a check up and he said that I need to lose weight. I told him I was going to get a 2nd opinion, the doctor said 'your ugly too.'

A guy has a monkey in a cage, he hits the monkey in the side of the head the monkey climbs up to the ceiling and swings and then climbs back into the cage. Then he says to the bar tender 'do you want to try that?' He says 'sure just don't hit me so hard.'

A lion says to the elephant 'who is the king of the jungle?' The elephant wraps him in the trunk and slams him down.
Again the lion says 'who is the king of the jungle?' This time the elephant slams him 4 or 5 times. The lion says 'geez, just cause you don't know the answer doesn't mean you have to be so nasty.'

[Blastgirl]

Those are cute all ages jokes. ;D

[aido179]

> A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking
> his faithful, elderly Jack Russell terrier named Killer, along for the
> company.
>
> One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long,
> discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading
> rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
>
> The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing
> some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on
> the bones with his back to the approaching cat.
>
> Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly,
> 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around
> here?'

> Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of
> terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
>
> 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly
> had me!'
> Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby
> tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for
> protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees
> him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something
> must be up.

> The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes
> a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being
> made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going
> to happen to that conniving canine!
>
> Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his
> back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the
> dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen
> them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell
> says...
>
> 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another
> leopard!'
>
> Moral of this story:
>
> Don't mess with the old dogs -- Age and Skill will always overcome
> Youth and Treachery!
>
> Bullcrap and Brilliance only come with age and experience!!

[Phil]

That's not really a joke aido179. That's a very profound lesson that gets learned throughout life. I love it.

[aido179]

hehe,well it made me laugh!

[Kimm]

Thats a clever story/joke Aido.